Why ‘do what you want!’ is harder than you think
From the second you’re engaged, and maybe even beforehand, you’ll be bombarded with wedding advice. ‘Have a big party’, or ‘only invite people you’d take out for coffee’; ‘just get takeaway pizzas’ or ‘if you have to spend money on one thing, make sure it’s the food’.
It’s relentless! Everyone you speak to, and everyone you scroll past on social media, has an opinion. And then there are family expectations; people you feel obliged to invite, or to ask to be in your bridal party.
But alongside all the unsolicited advice telling you to take out a loan to afford your ‘dream wedding’ is another piece of advice: ‘do what YOU want! It’s your big day, do it your way!’
It’s hard to know who to book, when you’ve likely never hired a professional photographer, makeup artist or florist befrore
And – in some ways – this is even less helpful. After all, lots of people planning a wedding have never planned one before! It’s a learning curve. After the initial excitement of being engaged, you’re finding out about corkage, sound limiters and just how expensive flowers can be. And amidst that learning curve, which most of us are doing alongside working full time, you’re having to decide what you like, and what matters to each of you.
These decisions often come with time pressure, too. You’ve booked the venue, and now you’re 9 months away? Quick, book a registrar, or a celebrant! What do you mean, you haven’t booked a make-up artist yet?! They’ll be booked up, by now!
Many of us make snap decisions just to make sure someone will be there doing our hair; there will be some food available.
So before you think about doing ‘what you want’, you first have to become resistant to the pressure. The time pressure, the count down, and the pressure of other people’s opinions. If you can, come off social media for a bit. Drown out the sound of any relatives with particularly strong opinions. And most importantly, take time with your partner.
Ask each other what you enjoy most at weddings. What would make you feel married. Whether you want to incorporate any of your hobbies or interests into the wedding. What you want to keep private, and what you’d like to share with your friends and family.
Try – as hard as you can – to remove the exact template of the ‘wedding day’ as you know it, and instead to create a fun day, based around things that matter to each of you.
It’s really hard to do, I found. And it’s okay to come back to that wedding-day template when there’s a pocket of time you’re not sure what to do with; or something neither of you cares about much.
This couple decided to have a DJ battle at their wedding. Soon after this they attacked us with bubble guns - it was a very ‘them’ thing to do, and all the more fun for it!
Photo © Karl Moriarty
Instead of ‘do what you want!’, try to ‘do the things that matter to you’. Whether that’s saying your own personalised vows, doing a first dance to that song from your first date, or going for a swim in the middle of the day. Find a moment each – just one – that feels truly like you. Once you’ve found one, more might appear; or the rest of the day can just fill more traditionally out from there.
And give yourselves some credit! You’re planning a huge event and trying to keep things fun for all your guests – who are likely a diverse set of people with all sorts of different beliefs, opinions and backgrounds. You are doing GREAT.
Now you’ve read my advice (sorry to add even more), take some time away from all of it. Go and do something that makes you happy; that made you happy before you got engaged. And if you like, incorporate that thing into your wedding day.
After all, it’s a day to celebrate you, and whatever makes you who you are. ♡
Seriously, though, more people should have bubble guns at their wedding. Just another unwanted opinion!
Photo © Karl Moriarty